There is rejoicing on the streets of Newcastle today. Crowds have gathered, thousands upon thousands flooding out from shops and offices, from homes and pubs, a spontaneous outburst of public emotion not seen since the death of Princess Di. Children beamed with joy, grown men wept, mothers clutched their bosoms in maternal pride. Old men compared it with the last time Newcastle United won anything. (They were very very old).
Experts agreed, this was possibly the most momentous and important event in regional cultural history since the Venerable Bede turned up and asked if he could borrow a biro as he had an idea for a book. Suddenly the pain of a century of economic hardship and decades of industrial decline melted away. The impending closure of Corus, the demotion of Newcastle and Middlesborough, nothing mattered in comparison. The world was a better place: Geordie Joe had won the X Factor.
Just rejoice at that news.
Now can we get back to some real music please?
